It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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