Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
