Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize