I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
