about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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