you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
