you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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