drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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