I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
