i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
