hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
