The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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