didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
