you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
