i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
