Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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