My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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