why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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