I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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