I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
