nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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