On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize