I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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