girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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