I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
