He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
