I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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