One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
