weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
