I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
