nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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