today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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