i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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