woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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