Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You made out with two different species that night
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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