I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
