Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am one with the molecules
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
