ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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