Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
