he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
