cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
