apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
