what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
