just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize