Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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