what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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