Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
