You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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