I got chris browned last night
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize