Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
