youre lurking in front of me
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
