p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
