i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
