I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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