It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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