She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
