Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
