i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
what day is it and did you see me today?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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