My nipple is on Facebook.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
