Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize