I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
