Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we're making bets on your personal life
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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