May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
