update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
