So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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