please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
